how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
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you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
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I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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