dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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