i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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