At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize