On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
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2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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