people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
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I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
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The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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