Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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