I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
They have beer where we have blood.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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