When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
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He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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