Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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