Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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