Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
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Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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