The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
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I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
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got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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