Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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