This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
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The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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