i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
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I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
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I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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