I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
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I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
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