I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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