I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
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He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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