You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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