You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
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Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
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Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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