He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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