Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
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iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't deserve a penis
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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