the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Someone shattered a urinal.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize