Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
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Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
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A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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