If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
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He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I could fuck to npr.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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