Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Randomize