The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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