oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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