I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
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Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
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Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
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