It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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