i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
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There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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