i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
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The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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