just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
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my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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