since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
