omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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