apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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