You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
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I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
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Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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