Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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