I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
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Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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