i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
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I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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