So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
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Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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