she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
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im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
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I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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