saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize