my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dignity is for republicans.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
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I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
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and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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