I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
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That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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