somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
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I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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