You're my little dorito
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
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Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
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2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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