at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do cheetos always look like penises
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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