If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
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time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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